Cowboy Logic

I have a driller on my crew that is an old Nevada cowboy that has been drilling for 30 years. He is the orneriest most cantankerous guy I have ever met. But at the same time he cracks me up with his profane tirades that usually have some gem of logic and wit to them. Like this one.
They had broken a mounting bracket for a water pump and it needed to be welded. I told him where the welder was and he informed me that he knew where it was but that there wasn't a welding helmet there. And he couldn't weld without one, so having a welder didn't help much -that having one without the other was pretty worthless and if we were going to have just one he preferred it be the helmet as it was lighter and would be easier to haul around.
I told him I was picking up on the sarcasm.

Balloons

Have you ever got balloons for a special occasion? It's real special. I remember once as a kid having 50 cents burning a hole in my pocket while I was watching some lame ass parade in Utah. I decided I needed a balloon. A few hucksters were wandering around selling them and I approached one old guy who had a few and asked him how much. A dollar he says. I grimaced and turned away crestfallen. I might add that was when I was 7 or 8 a dollar was still a substantial sum. That would be like paying five bucks for one now I would assume. I must have made a sorry impression on the old dude because when the parade ended he found me and gave the precious helium filled orb for free. Worthless to him of course with the festivities ending, he probably thought I was an orphan or something and thought he would make my day. I took it and held it and looked at it for awhile, not that great I had to admit. The best thing was letting it go and watching it climb out of sight. This was before I learned to inhale helium and talk like a chipmunk for hilarity.
I believe the experience left a lasting impression though because I don't much care for the things now. And I have a sweet wife that likes to give them to me for some reason. I finally told her straight up I didn't like them, don' want any, do not give them to me. Period. Harsh I know but enough is enough.
This past Valentine's Day I was working in Nevada like last year. I sent the skirt a gift and told her we would celebrate when I got home. I get back to my motel room that night and my message light is flashing. I call the front desk and they tell me I have a delivery. I walk down to get it and there behind the counter is a gigantic display of balloons - shit. They hand them over and I walk down the hallway dragging the thing hoping none of the drillers would see me.
This bouquet as it were was attached to a nice bottle of vino but it also had a big ass balloon that every time it was bumped burst into an annoying version or Roses Are Red My Love - really loud. A new level of hatred was achieved. I was going to let the air out of them when I remembered one of the drillers had just been dumped by his girlfriend and was sulking around. I tied them to his motel door and let him wonder who the hell they were from. He probably thought his girlfriend sent them. Haha. He never said anything so I don't what happened.
Anyway I love you baby but please, please no more balloons.